Thanks For The Praise But Shut Up If We’re Shit OK?

Last night I sat around the dinner table with a bunch of friends. We ate, we laughed, we caught up, and then we all sat back and mulled over one of the most punk bitch Facebook posts I can recall seeing in a very long time.


Grown ass man dropping the Facebook equivalent of a subtweet.

Mike owns a Food Truck and Restaurant. I like(d) Mike. He cooks like a motherfucker. I’ve been pushing his food on people coming up on 3 years now because it’s that good. When I saw this post come up on Facebook, I thought it was hilarious. “Oh that Mike, popping off har har.” I handed my phone to everyone at the table because hey, if you’re going to shit on my friends, they might as well read it. Mike takes two shots here. One at my buddy Sid (a guy who bends over backwards to give props to every resto and food truck EVERYWHERE) after he called the now closed Randy’s Burgers “underwhelming.” OOOOOOH HARSH! The other is directed at me because it’s apparently against God’s taste buds to like frozen french fries in a world where you appreciate $11 hand cut fries (don’t worry, it’s only $9 special on Friday) or you’re a piece of shit. Better be in the industry folks, only the finest asshole can appreciate the level of wallet gouging we’re talking about here. To be clear; I said “these are the best frozen fries I’ve had… except McD’s you know.” We had a laugh. It was 8 MONTHS AGO! Damn son, how you hold onto a frozen fry line like it’s gospel? It’s OK, whatever you need to hoist up that pile of shit post.

I’m not even going to go in on Randy’s outside of saying they were the victim of Hamilton’s now very stiff competition.

What I am going to go in on is the idea that you have to be “in the industry” to have an opinion about food. That has got to be some of the most elitist stupid shit I have ever heard. Who exactly gets to say if something is good or poor? Can I get into an Industry Night circle jerk for the inside scoop? Does anyone know when the good folks from The Michelin Guide or James Beard are popping in? I’d LOVE to know so I can watch someone apparently worthwhile give an even handed review. They’re industry right? PROFESSIONALS! WE IN THERE! Oh they didn’t sweat over a stove so fuck them if it’s negative? What about if they hand your restaurant 3 stars and you pull in so much business you’re padding your ass with hundred dollar bills? After all, you’re going to need something to soften the fall when you’re bucked off that high horse. See restauranteurs LOVE Food Bloggers, so long as they slurp them in their write up. They LOVE Food Bloggers when they whore a photo on Instagram. They LOVE Food Bloggers when they tag the shit out of them on Twitter. You don’t get pop off posts like the one above when someone is dropping free local advertising AND dropping fat coin in your register right? That, more than anything is what pissed me off. You can ask ANY restaurant I’ve ever set foot in and reviewed. I don’t do comps.





Nobody thinks the customer is always right.

The customer however has every right to praise and hate what they just PAID FOR! You know with money from our REAL JOBS! HAR HAR EMPLOYMENT!

Here’s a photo of Mike “not believing the hype about food bloggers” after we all ate the entire menu of his new restaurant. We didn’t push for some free meal like some of his purported supporters. We didn’t push for advertising revenue to walk in the door. We came in, sat down, ate the whole menu, dropped a stupid amount of money, and then whored the entire experience all over social media because we want businesses to succeed. We don’t get paid. We don’t get comped. There’s literally ZERO upside to dropping coin and giving out free advertising. AWESOME GUYS! THANKS FOR COMING! Don’t forget to let me slap you in the face on the way out. How many “critics” are there in Hamilton? What if they shit on the very place the unqualified food bloggers praised? Do we get a nice paragraph worth of venom about The Spec? Hamilton Magazine? Oh wait… their food critics are also bloggers? WELL SHIT!

See here’s the thing. Some restaurant owners have two big issues and they always go hand in hand. The first is the idea that their food could in fact be hot garbage and they refuse to accept it. It’s OK to live in a bubble. You’ll just be out of business. You can take a look at any number of restaurants in any city across the world. They fail all the time. “Oh it’s the location.” “Oh the people aren’t ready for this concept.” “It’s on the wrong side of the street.” “The economy doesn’t support it.” How about “maybe we have issues and need to fix it?” Someone else comes into the same space and they blow up. Who’d have thought great service, food, and price would draw people? Who’d have thought listening to customers feedback would be helpful? Don’t worry, your opinion, dear patron doesn’t mean fuck all unless you love us. The second issue is they HATE the idea their customers now have a voice. It’s not the voice that complains to a manager. It’s not the voice that complains to their S/O or a few co-workers. It’s the voice that reaches thousands of people. Thousands of LOCAL people. Thousands of local people who can pull up a post at any time and read about a poor experience. That voice, now text, isn’t going anywhere. The Internet is written in ink. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, it’s REAL BAD! I once talked with a restaurant owner that said “you can have 9 bloggers blow you but that last 1 can fuck you in the ass and not even ask.” So what happens if the ever growing blog/Instagram/social media slut machine comes down on you?

Adapt or get bodied.

For the restaurant owners that read this and hate Bloggers after all your media invites, fake smiles, and half baked greetings, please take the appropriate amount of time to choke on a dick. Afterwards, what I’d recommend is to get a list together of all the members of your local anti blogger club, sign off on it, and then forward it to me. I’ll ensure that not a single blogger ever whores your restaurant out ever again. You’ll be rid of the pestilence that apparently destroys your hard work while entirely disregarding consistent praise. It’s a simple solution to your apparently persistent problem. I’ll even ensure that no one trashes any restaurant on the list.

After all; There’s a far worse thing than negative attention.

No attention.


3 thoughts on “Thanks For The Praise But Shut Up If We’re Shit OK?

  1. It’s consistent with the way some people take critiques. Even in other industries there’s two ways people go on criticism most of the time: “that stings, but I’ll fix it/be better” or “who the fuck are you to criticize me?”
    How many times do you see in sports even where someone gets criticized and they bounce back with “well you don’t play the sport, how do you know?”
    Well, there’s a reason people listen to the person analyzing things, because they trust their opinion on that matter. If you post that a restaurant is serving “hot garbage” I’m probably not going because when you’ve said a place has been awesome or we’ve both been to a place and agreed on its awesomeness, you’ve been right. That honesty from you or anyone that reviews anything, whether it’s food or a car or a piece of tech, is what gives them credibility. If you open a restaurant in 2016 and can’t handle someones opinion, whether it’s in traditional print, on the web or yelp or facebook or whatever, you’re probably in the wrong industry

  2. Exactly how many movies have Siskel & Ebert been a part of that weren’t documentaries? Are all tech reviewers engineers? App reviewers must all be code monkeys, right? To assume that in order to have an opinion on something which is for the masses (like a restaurant, a movie, or a cell phone) you have to be an expert in that field is one of the most ridiculous statements I have ever heard

  3. I totally give you props for calling this guy out. I read his rant on FB, can’t say his sympathy plea moved me in any way. I’ve noticed resto owners doing this more and more on social media.
    Your comment about choking on dick made me roar, he may as well serve it up on a platter too cause that’s sounds like the only thing he’d be able to get right.
    My husband and I went to a restaurant yesterday based on a blogger’s review. It was fantastic! One of the best food experiences we’ve had in a long time. Just so you know, what you do does matter.
    Kellie from Princess & The Yard Ape

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